The Stories We Tell Ourselves
Sleep Asylum
Have you ever felt like all the helpful information in the world often does not fundamentally change what you actually do in your life on a consistent basis?
The Stories We Tell Ourselves
Sleep Asylum
Have you ever felt like all the helpful information in the world often does not fundamentally change what you actually do in your life on a consistent basis?
You start a healthy habit with the best of intentions. Check. You probably buy all the requisite equipment. Check check.
But, before long, that new habit starts to slip towards G.O.D, or the “Gulf of Doom”. And your best intentions along with it.
Slowly but surely, old behaviours and bad habits somehow manage to creep their way back in.
There’s a reason for that.
The truth is, most of us KNOW how to live better, healthier lives. Most of us have access to the internet and know how to look things up on Google.
Feel tired a lot? You might look up best practices to improve your sleep and find information on how to make sure you get enough of it, that you need to avoid blue light and screen time before bed, a reminder to get natural sunlight in the morning.
The good and well-intentioned advice is plentiful.
But.
We all know what it is we should be doing.
The problem is — there can be an entire Grand Canyon between what we understand to be good for us and what we actually do in our everyday lives.
In other words, often:
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What we KNOW does not equal what we DO.
Why?
Because we are human beings.
And we live complex, busy, and emotional lives.
Sound disheartening? Should we all just give up trying?
Absolutely not. Where would be the fun in that.
The thing is, our brains are simple creatures. They may look very complex and impressive (and in many ways they are).
But the bits that make us do what we do on a regular basis, they tend to operate according to fairly logical and reasoned principles. Although we may seem to behave irrationally at times, there is mostly method to our mad behaviours.
Especially once we understand their underlying drivers.
However, let me reiterate that old adage: SIMPLE does not mean that it is EASY.
It isn’t easy. But it is possible.
How do I know that?
Because I am a recovering ‘healthy-habit’ procrastinator, a tried and true start-and-stopper, I used to have a subscription to the Gulf of Doom.
But I learnt a few things.
And I want to tell you that it’s possible.
So why should you care about any of this?
Because, until Calico finds a way to give us all eternal life, we are only on this earth for a crushingly limited time.
I know there are important things you want to achieve in your lifetime.
And, ultimately, what we do on a consistent basis – the choices we make – are what shape our lives. The energy we have for it. How present we can be for it.
And that is a choice we make, every single day.
We may not know we are making it. But the things we tell ourselves – what we believe to be true about ourselves and the world – they are the stories that will make up our lives.
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What you do during the day helps you sleep at night
Sleep Asylum
Thursday 6th January 2022
When we think about sleep, it can often feel like a circumscribed activity – something we do that is separate from being awake. And in many ways it is – the changes in our level of consciousness are unique for many of our slumbering hours. However, while sleep and wake might seem like night and day – they have an intimately symbiotic relationship.
Most of us are probably familiar with the effect of a poor night’s sleep on how we feel the next day – it can be hard to focus and we might feel tired, exhausted, or irritable.
However, what we do during the day can, conversely, have an equally impactful role in our sleep.
Have you ever had a really stressful day, and when you finally get into bed, it can be hard to switch off? Often this leads to tossing and turning for some or much of the night and, even when we do finally get to sleep, we frequently wake up or feel like the sleep we got was very “light” or fragmented.
What we do during the day affects how we sleep at night. This can be especially true for the hours before bed. We are not talking about minimising blue light exposure here (although that is also important).
While it may not be possible to always prevent stress during the day, finding a helpful wind-down routine in the evening as you prepare your mind for sleep can be just as important.
One of the most common reasons people have trouble sleeping is a feeling of overwhelm, worry, or a “racing” mind. Feeling uncertain about important areas of your life can trigger these negative states and cause anxiety to build. This can be especially loud at night when everything else is quiet, and we suddenly hear all the worries that have been building in our subconscious.
The most effective way to deal with this sort of mental chatter and anxiety is to take control of our lives. Here’s what I mean by that:
When we design an intentional life, we create a sense of agency and purpose. Then, the mind can relax – safe in the knowledge that we are on track and focusing on what matters most.
How do we do this?
The most effective way I have found is through consistent “life reviews”. Taking stock of what matters most to develop clarity, purpose, and calm. This is a process that takes time and effort – but it is worth it.
I will be exploring this and other helpful techniques we can use to create a more intentional and fulfilling life. If you haven’t already, make sure you’re signed up for my newsletter, which you can access here.
Remember: Clear mind, sound sleep.
When we think about sleep, it can often feel like a circumscribed activity – something we do that is separate from being awake. And in many ways it is – the changes in our level of consciousness are unique for many of our slumbering hours. However, while sleep and wake might seem like night and day – they have an intimately symbiotic relationship.
Most of us are probably familiar with the effect of a poor night’s sleep on how we feel the next day – it can be hard to focus and we might feel tired, exhausted, or irritable.
However, what we do during the day can, conversely, have an equally impactful role in our sleep.
Have you ever had a really stressful day, and when you finally get into bed, it can be hard to switch off? Often this leads to tossing and turning for much of the night and, even when we do finally get to sleep, we frequently wake up or feel like the sleep we got is very light or fragmented.
What we do during the day affects how we sleep at night. This can be especially true for the hours before bed. We are not talking about minimising blue light exposure here (although that is also important).
While it may not be possible to always prevent stress during the day, finding a helpful wind-down routine in the evening as you prepare your mind for sleep can be just as, if not more, important.
One of the most common reasons people have trouble sleeping is a feeling of overwhelm, worry, or a “racing” mind. Feeling uncertain about important areas of your life can trigger these negative states and cause anxiety to build. This can be especially loud at night when everything else is quiet, and we suddenly hear all the worries that have been building in our subconscious.
The most effective way to deal with this sort of mental chatter and anxiety is to take control of our lives. Here’s what I mean by that:
When we design an intentional life, we create a sense of agency and purpose. Then, the mind can relax – safe in the knowledge that we are on track and focusing on what matters most.
How do we do this?
The most effective way I have found is through consistent “life reviews”. Taking stock of what matters most to develop clarity, purpose, and calm. This is a process that takes time and effort – but it is worth it.
If this sounds at all confusing or mystifying to you – don’t worry.
In the coming weeks I will be announcing exciting news about a project that helps you do exactly this.
If you are feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or just plain unfulfilled in your life right now – this is for you.
Stay tuned for the pre-release dates and early access I will be sharing via my newsletter, which you can access here.
Remember: Clear mind, sound sleep.
Did you choose this?
Sleep Asylum
Thursday 2nd December 2021
We make choices all the time. Even when we don’t realise we are making them. How is that?
It’s easy to think of choices as decisions we’ve deliberated about, perhaps for a long time, and consciously chosen. But what happens when we take our eyes off the ball – maybe we postpone making a difficult decision, we procrastinate because we don’t have time right now, or because it feels easier to wait?
Ironically, time is good at settling these choices for us.
That conference you meant to book a ticket for. That friend you wanted to get back in touch with. Suddenly the deadline for registering has passed and you missed the opportunity, or your friend has moved far away.
We are constantly making deliberate – and not so deliberate – choices.
We make them when we are busy with life and we forget to remind ourselves to do something, or when we intentionally push it aside to be dealt with later.
“Later” – is the great dustbin of our lives.
That’s where all great ideas go to die. That’s where the cemetery of our unwitting choices reside.
Choice by inaction can be a cause for great regret. Mostly because it was, seemingly, all within our reach. We just – forgot. Or we were too afraid to act in time.
So, when you’re next faced with a choice that you have a sneaking suspicion might be quite important to you – make sure you set a deliberate action for how you want to handle it: now, or set a clear date for revisiting it.
We make choices all the time. So make sure they’re really yours.
When life gives you lemons
Sleep Asylum
Thursday 7th October 2021
…make lemonade? But what if you don’t have sugar.
Do you have this thing where whenever something bad happens – and it’s a real pain – you somehow have this sense that something really good must be about to follow?
I feel like this is something we’re taught early on. In school, or in Disney movies. In any case, it feels like one of those irrational beliefs, or assumptions, that just seem to take up space in our minds, without any real merit.
And I guess when you’re young that makes sense, right. Because you have very little life experience to go by; to really have a conclusive evidence-based scientific answer that, YES – there is an equal weighting of bad and good occurrences, proportionately balanced throughout life. Or, NO – it’s all pretty random.
It’s one of those “faith” things, that makes us feel better. Helps us make sense of the seemingly senseless.
So, something bad happens. Your car gets totalled, its next destination is the scrap heap. Your hair catches on fire. Or something more enduring, like a chronic illness.
Initially, what tends to happen is that you really begrudge how bad of a time you’re having, how unlucky you were. Perhaps the Universe must hate you.
At some point, especially when this bad situation seems to drag on and on, you reach an inflection point – let’s call it the “faith mindset switch”. This faith mindset suddenly starts to say things like – well, something good must be about to happen, just around the corner.
This “bad thing” becomes almost like a trial that you must endure and go through in order to reach what must surely be nirvana after this ordeal.
The key thing is, this feels like a completely normal and logical thing to believe.
Of course, when you dissect this assumption it becomes less evidently well reasoned.
So, this thing happened – which we can only assume is some form of a punishment, because what is expected to follow seems to be the bilateral resultant reward – for having to endure this unpleasant trial.
If you are religious, this might all make perfect sense.
However, as a spiritual atheist (agnostic? I never really know what to call myself) it makes a lot less sense. In fact, it makes no sense.
And yet, this is the inherent belief I have lived in complete harmony with for many years.
I suppose – the idea – when something bad happens, that there isn’t some immediate relief and rebalancing of the life order as we know it, seems just too unbearable to contemplate?
Or perhaps it’s just a nice, soothing story we tell ourselves, like a bedtime story, to make the darkness seem less dark.
It’s not immediately clear to me if this is a purely good or bad thing.
It is good because it feels like a warm blanket, snuggly comforting in times of need.
It’s bad if it sets you up for subsequent disappointment.
Then again, it’s all relative.
One person’s misery is another person’s bliss, and vice versa.
So what can we take from all of this?
Me – I like my beliefs to have some semblance to reality – so this might be one assumption I’ll be reviewing more closely. Though, it is nice to have.
To believe that something good is just around the corner. Perhaps that is just a useful mindset to have regardless.
How about you?
Have you ever noticed this, or a related assumption, in your own mind? Or are you more of a nihilist, believing only in the randomness and inherent meaninglessness of life?
An Ode to Dreams
Sleep Asylum
Thursday 5th August 2021
Too often we put aside our dreams, to make room for “practical”, or “realistic”.
We tell ourselves
it wasn’t to be…
it’s not meant for us.
That our dream was
‘stupid anyway’.
So, we settle, for a life inside
well defined lines.
We try not to rock the boat.
But the boat was never meant
for steady land,
to be moored in place.
It was built for the open water,
to roam wild and free,
adventure ever calling.
If you can dream it,
you can build it.
But…
You have to believe.
What do you dream to build?
If You're a Perfectionist (Part 2)
Sleep Asylum
Thursday 1st July 2021
Sometimes, perfectionism can be our perfect excuse to back out. Our complicit ally compelling us to opt out. To procrastinate, to delay, making the kind of changes that would really change our lives. Or start that project that will take our growth to the next level. Or even to just begin writing that article or essay.
Perfectionism acts as a sneaky release valve. It protects us when the steam of life gets too hot and we’re about to combust. Giving us permission – and all the reasons in the world – why we can’t. do. this.
As noble as perfectionism can seem: we will only commit to doing something if it can achieve its fullest form. We are, in effect, doing ourselves a disservice. If we always have to wait until all the stars align, we might as well be waiting for Godot.
An infinite wait for the impossible.
In this pursuit for perfection, we rob ourselves from much that life has to offer. To stare our fears dead in the eye.
To fail and realise we will be ok. To move forward in uncertain terrain. To discover that progress is not about taking one careful, perfect step after another. It is in the alchemy of consistency and persistence. The game-changing, but rather obvious (in hind-sight), realisation that consistent effort will, inevitably, lead to progress towards our goals.
One day that progress may be small, another day it may temporarily stall, but always, in returning to this simple algorithm, leading us forward and gradually closer to realising our goals.
This is the ultimate, and most significant, difference between short- and long-term projects. In many ways, the short-term project is easier to complete. It has well-defined start and end points, it can be achieved in a short period of time. Optimal for our short attention span.
Longer projects, however, require something much harder. It requires the continuous and persistent reorienting of our attention back to the same idea, the same goal, over longer periods of time. It requires us to maintain in awareness an often nebulous concept or vision for the future, trusting it and this algorithm that small steps in the same direction do create a coherent path over time.
They are not so well suited for our limited attention spans. However, ironically, these are often the most rewarding and worthwhile projects.
And the ones that unveil to us our ability to build and create something bigger than this moment. Something that transcends our fear of failure or discomfort in uncertainty.
So to this, the old adage: “progress not perfection”. Taking small but consistent steps will, over time, get you to where you want to go.
If You're a Perfectionist, Read This (Part 1)
Sleep Asylum
Thursday 1st June 2021
…and if you’re not, read it anyway 😉
I used to think that in order to be good enough, I had to be perfect. I would dot every ‘i’ and cross every ’t’. Not literally of course, I mean, who has time for that.
It wasn’t until I was much older I realised that the rest of the world seemed to be working from a different roadmap. One that wasn’t so unforgiving or difficult to follow.
It took a while but once I had this insight, I started seeing everything around me through a new lens. I started purposefully paying attention to mistakes other people made (which I’d never noticed before, because, who does!?) and I realised that when someone made a mistake in public, which to my surprise happened all the time, they didn’t spontaneously combust, nobody died. Nobody even batted an eyelash. And the world continued to turn – and whomever said “espishily” while they were giving that presentation, just went on with their talk.
Old me would have beaten myself up for days over that. I would have probably never given another presentation. And possibly not left the house ever again.
The truth is – nobody is perfect. Literally no one. The world is divided into two types of people: those who are busy living full and happy imperfect lives, and those who are too afraid to live at all for fear of making a mistake.
I know which camp I’d rather be in.
Also, life is a lot more fun when you let go of ‘shoulds’ and ‘musts’.
Over time I began really savouring the little imperfections, the moments that make you human and vulnerable. I know I find others far more relatable once they stop seeming so “perfect” from the outside and you realise they are just as perfectly imperfect as you are. There’s real cohesion in that. A feeling of unity.
When was the last time you bonded with someone? Was it when they were showing you their perfect facade on Instagram? Or was it when one of you opened up about something less than perfect, something real and honest.
Perfection is not ideal. It shouldn’t even be something we strive for or hold in high regard. Perfection is a disease that causes pain and suffering to those inflicted.
Life is about learning and discovery – finding out who we are, and who we aren’t. Through trial and error. Through mistakes made instead of missed opportunities and painful regret.
For me, I’d much rather live in a world where we all hold a lot more space for ourselves and for each other, to live unapologetically full and flawed lives.
After all, we only have this life.
That New Spring Light
Sleep Asylum
Thursday 1st April 2021
Have you noticed, too, how the change in season is affecting your sleep? Or, more specifically, your energy?
I have. All of winter I have been feeling the lethargy and drag of hibernation. Craving more energy. Trying More exercise, More healthy food, More sleep. But, as it turns out, it was the onset of new spring light that tipped the balance.
Almost overnight, I noticed everything had changed, and spring was here. I had all the energy I missed and mornings were again easy, effortless.
And awake!
Sometimes all the care in the world cannot change the fact that it’s winter, and with it comes a degree of constant yearning for bed and comfort and cosy. I am grateful for the restorative rest.
And now,
I’m ready for a new adventure.
Are you?
Let's Go on a Date
Sleep Asylum
Thursday 4th March 2021
This week I came across an interesting invitation
To go on an Artist’s Date.
An Artist’s Date is a date you make with yourself. To explore something you want, something you find interesting. It was first introduced by Julia Cameron and has now spread in creative whispers across the world, as an invitation to explore and adventure. Some dedicated ‘you-time’.
My favourite day is serendipity
What I love about this idea is that it invites the possibility for serendipity – a day or period of time where anything is possible. Where you let your imagination run free, and tap into your wild creativity, a hunch, a feeling. To see what comes up : )
Core to this is a sense of play – to do something fun!
And what could be more fun than that?
So, this week, I invite you to think about what an Artist’s Date could be for you? To take time to follow your curiosity.
And who knows, maybe it’s something you (and I) want to do more regularly! Until next time…
Sweet dreams,
Drinken Sie Tea?
Sleep Asylum
Thursday 4th February 2021
This morning I had a remarkable, yet simple thought:
I drink tea.
I always liked drinking tea, I’d always enjoyed the idea of drinking it – but I was never a ‘tea-drinker’. Or rather, I was never someone who regularly made tea, for myself that is. I would offer it to guests and friends who visited. I would happily accept a cup when offered. But I never really had a regular tea-drinking habit.
One day a few years ago I decided I wanted to change that. Somehow I found myself in the position of having brewed myself a nice cup of tea and sitting on the couch, and thinking – what I always thought when I found myself in this rare but pleasant happenstance – this is nice.
People say it is like a hug-in-a-mug, and I thought.. it *is* like a hug, it is cosy and warm and it makes me feel like I am taking care of myself. It was a very brief moment of bliss. So I decided, I wanted to become a certifiable tea-drinker.
How hard could it be? We do things all the time that feel effortlessly habitual – like brushing our teeth, or making the bed. So I figured I just needed to drill this behaviour into some sort of regular and routine event. Something I just did, without thinking about it.
I went all scientific on this new-found plan, and I decided to get to the bottom of why this had never stuck as a regular habit of mine.
What I discovered was an embarrassingly simple reason: My teapot was in an annoying position. It was hard to reach, and my tea paraphernalia were scattered all over the four corners of my kitchen.
I realised that, I didn’t regularly make tea for myself because it was a pain to do. The process of making it was not an enjoyable activity, and sometimes it was even a little frustrating, on the one-off occasion, to track down the necessary components.
I thought – well that’s fixable – and so I moved my kettle to a prime real estate location on my kitchen counter, collected all of my tea-related accessories in one place, and made the whole tea-brewing process as simple as possible. So that I wanted to make myself a cup of tea as much as possible.
And I realised this morning, that I drink tea now. A lot. I make tea every day, easily between 3-5 cups on most days. And I love it. I enjoy the process, it makes me feel healthier, and yes, it does feel a lot like a self-caring hug in a mug 
What is something you’ve been wanting to do for a long time but never seem to get around to doing? Perhaps the reason is simpler than you might think!
Sometimes the Best Self-Care is in the Detail
Sleep Asylum
Thursday 7th January 2021
It’s fun (and important) to get caught up in the big-picture-blue-skies thinking and vision for where we want our lives to go. That’s macro-scale planning. The dream house we want to build, the difference we want to make, the places we want to travel.
But no matter how grand or inspiring this vision is, we are always here, now.
With clothes and dishes that need cleaning, food that needs cooking (and eating), and our everyday health we need to take care of. These are not insignificant activities, at the micro-scale. But they are repetitive. And that is actually a valuable attribute.
These are the things that keep the world, and us, moving forward, healthy, and alive – literally.
Without them, there would be no big vision, there would be no future, or macro-scale planning. Both the macro and micro play their own pivotal part in our lives.
On the surface, repetition can of course seem very boring, and even a nuisance. However, with great repetitiveness comes an opportunity to automate.
Or at least to make the process as efficient as it can be.
In the fewest steps possible, how do we get from A to B. Whether that’s brewing your daily cups of tea, or planning your day. Having a conscious strategy, an approach that you have thought about with some precision and intention.
And within this lies deep satisfaction.
Knowing that, yes, this or that routine takes up a certain amount of time in your day, but that you have made this process as ‘cost-effective’ as possible, as pleasant as possible, is itself a surprisingly satisfying pursuit.
And importantly, this makes room for the things you really want to spend time doing.
This should not be mistaken for a decision to cut corners, or inherent sloppiness. On the contrary, this is a process of enhancement, not reduction, in the experience of everyday routine activities. The only things you are consciously removing are the steps that are genuinely unnecessary and detract from the overall enjoyment (and likelihood) of conducting the activity.
For example, if you have a micro-intention this year to start drinking more green tea (for your health or because you like the colour, I don’t judge), placing the kettle in a prime location on your kitchen counter can make the difference between you realising this intention and drinking lots of cups of green tea, or it gathering dust along with your kettle in the cupboard.
At the micro-scale, it’s the little things that count. Sometimes the best self-care is in the detail : )
On Forgetting Our Wild
Sleep Asylum
Thursday 3rd December 2020
Perhaps you’ve noticed that, inevitably, during the COVID-19 pandemic, you have found yourself becoming increasingly ‘domesticated’.
This goes beyond lockdowns and temporary house confinements, and has more to do with our actual experience, and sense, of comfort. It is easy to wrap yourself up in the warm cocoon of home and inwardness, and the safety it confers.
Even before the pandemic, I was finding myself drawn to the self-reflective space and solitude of winter – preferentially seeking it, to explore.
However, months into it – whether voluntary or not – it is important to remember that it’s always a trade-off. A choice between one thing or its counterpart.
Deep in the comforts of becoming a certified homebody, it is all too easy to forget that there was ever any other way to be.
But every so often you do. Remember.
You catch a glimpse of Adventure, your own past ones or someone else’s, and you remember: that is another way. An important part of life, too.
I found myself having this realisation recently – being reminded by my own memories of travel and adventure, and for a moment I felt a sort of lack, a melancholy, in the absence of this facet of life. But then I realised something important:
Life happens in periodic ‘chunks’, and your life has its own seasons.
Some seasons are full of colour, exploration, and adventure. While others are calmer, inviting quiet reflection, and even solitude. They are all essential. And realising this simple but powerful truth, helps to savour the season you find yourself in right now. While also knowing that there will be a time for the other things you love.
Too often we want to do everything at once. We think about all the things that matter to us, and all the projects we want to pursue. There is so much to do! The overwhelm can cause action paralysis. And instead of doing something, we end up doing nothing. Or we try to do them all at once, and we still accomplish nothing.
Instead, it’s good to remember that when we choose one, we are actively (or passively) choosing against its natural counterpart for a while. And that’s a good thing!
As long as we do this mindfully, aware of this temporary trade-off, this can be a much richer and satisfying experience that lets you immerse yourself more deeply in your life’s moments, without the fear of missing something else important.
Take it as an opportunity to reflect on where you are in your life, and to align your choices (and peace of mind) with what you discover.
Whatever they happen to be, I hope you remember to enjoy the seasons of your life.
The Important Lessons of
Ready Meals
Sleep Asylum
Thursday 5th November 2020
Over the past couple weeks I have been working to an important deadline while still trying to balance self-care and eating wholesome meals. While this seems a noble goal, as I realised, sometimes the best self-care is knowing when to stop adding things to your plate and to stock up on some good-ol’ ready-made meals to eat from instead.
I’ll admit, I was highly suspicious of this turn of events: having managed to steer clear of RMD, or Ready-Meal-Dependence, since I was a student – a time when the legitimate height of my daily gourmet experience was to dig into a microwaved M&S ready-made tray of delight. If you are unfamiliar with M&S, this is one of the better supermarkets in the UK, which made its name selling mainly easy to cook foods such as high-end microwave meals.
However, ready-made is ready-made.
And when you’ve grown accustomed to your own wholesome cooking using crisp veg and freshly cooked pasta (maybe, even homemade), the appeal of the ready-made enterprise is a bit more lacklustre. I discovered this a few years ago when the memory of student ready-made days was still bathed in rose-coloured delicious béchamel sauce. The ready-meal was not. Delicious, I mean. And this was a stark realisation. It stayed with me to this day.
So it took some toing and froing until I finally caved to my schedule and ordered a week’s worth of ready-meals. From M&S, no less. (why break a streak?)
And boy, or girl, was I pleasantly surprised. It is unclear whether the ready-made industry has taken a turn for the better in recent years, or if I was just selecting like a pro. Either way, it has been a good food week. And, frankly, I am now slightly dreading returning to the ‘do-it-yourself-insteada-jus-poppin-the-seriously-delectable-cherry-bakewell-tart-in-tha-oven’. Anyone else?
So. The moral of this tale is this:
Sometimes, the best self-care you can do is to know when to clear your plate, to make room for a ready-meal.
Bon appétit!